This is unlike anything I have ever written before. This is not going to be me talking about an experience, this isn’t going to be me explaining to you how tragic my life is or how strong I am for getting through it anyway. This is an apology, an acceptance, an ode to my sadness and to the love of my life.
I am sorry. I have a tendency to write to people I owe apologies to. I’ve been stalling writing this because I wasn’t sure I was ready to understand. But now? I am.
I am ready to accept, to understand and then manifest in myself the changes it brings into my life. I am sorry. Yet again, I don’t think I have ever neglected anything as much as I have neglected you. You have tried to comfort me, to show me what needs fixing and show me just how soft I can be. After a whole lifetime of living inside of a shell and starting to turn into it- you taught me that I am so incredibly capable of breaking out of it. You have helped me grow, you have taught me kindness, softness, a gentle ruthlessness that has pulled me in and out of the kind of realisations people have just before they are dying. You have been so important, and I am so incredibly apologetic about refusing to see you for what you have been. There’s a quote in one of my favourite movies- I couldn’t see you when you were here, and now that you are gone, I see you everywhere. It is unfair on my part to say that I miss you, I have fought so hard to have you leave. But it is even more unfair to not thank you for your stay- thank you for all that you’ve brought to my life, for all the memories I will hold so close to my heart for the simple reason that I couldn’t imagine having them. I melt at the mere sight of your face because I haven’t known comfort like this before. A place so homely, you hold yourself down to it no matter how toxic you might make it for yourself.
I am listening to you. I have heard you, and I am grateful for having you around while I did.
Whatever love we have had was maybe only meant to last us as long as it took me to understand that I am enough and always have been. They say stretching out the sadness is like watering a dead flower, and I am thankful about how wise you are, enough to know when to crawl back into whatever shell it is you popped out of.
I love you immensely, and if you come around again- I will be more gentle.
I will listen, I will accept and I will feel you completely.
I owe you that, and I will give it to you happily. Goodbye.